It's a shame

"We have separate opinions on family issues, and she believes I should be thinking how she does. I love her, but I think she's a control freak. Besides I think she's mad because I said I'm not paying for her wedding. I want her to be happy but I'm not convinced Jack is Mr. Right. And that's my opinion. Doesn't have to be anyone elses. That another problem between us. She doesn't want me to be opinionated about certain things. I'm really too old to worry about any of this."

This is a text message from my father to my brother and it is verbatim (spelling errors and all).

Where do I begin with this?! Without going into all of it, I have a problem with the way my father views family values. He doesn't see them the way that I do. He doesn't agree with me, and I don't ask him to. I simply asked him to check his opinions at the door when talking to me about Mike, Abby, and Jason. I explained to him in detail that those three topics were sensitive to me and I just didn't want to talk about them in conversation with him. I asked nicely. I explained in detail and I'm pretty sure it was evident how important this was to me through my tearful explanation. Does anyone think that he listened? No... He wanted to prove his point. He continued his jabs about what kind of father Jason was gonna be, what mistakes Michael made in his life, his kids, his career. This was right after I asked him to not go there anymore. So I politely told him that since he couldn't respect these boundaries, I was finished talking to him. That, I believe was in February and I haven't talked to him since.

But then, I learn yesterday that he texts Jason the above text message and I am floored by its content. Truly, truly floored. At no point in the last 2 years did my father ever let on that he didn't approve of Jack. We never talked about MY wedding and who's gonna pay and him telling me that he wasn't going to contribute, etc. NEVER! So this came out of left field, and I obviously still have feelings about the whole thing because I am taking the time to write about it here, but those feelings are of anger, disgust, and pity for him.

It's a shame really, and I wish that I didn't have those feelings at all, but they exist and for the moment, I want to just feel them. I wish he was different, but he's not. Fundamentally, he is who he is, and that's not a problem for me... I just don't choose to be a part of that life. It causes too much pain. I have had more feelings about my father in the last 24 hours than I have had thoughts of him in the past 3 months because of the text message he sent Jason. The sad part is that I think he did it to stir up these emotions. Sick...

Our New Normal

I write because I enjoy the feeling of putting my words out there- not necessarily so anyone can read them, but so that I can say them without actually saying them. It's a release and it feels good.

Where have I been in the last 6 months? Lost and Hurt but finding a way back. I recently (in the past 3 months) decided that having a relationship with my dad was not worth the pain and confusion it causes. How many people can say that? Knowing what I know about the importance of family, you would think that my thought process would be completely opposite. But one thing that I did realize over the last 6 months of therapy and finding my "new normal" was that negativity has lost a place in my heart. And those that come with negativity are no longer welcome. Unfortunately, one of those people contributed half of my DNA (and little else, I might add).

I would elaborate further, but as I sit here, I realize it isn't worth my effort. It just is what it is.

We have some exciting things to look forward to this summer! Jack and I are excited about the birth of our niece, Aubrey Grace, at the end of June (although, I am seriously shooting for July 2, which was Mike's birthday). We are also looking forward to our family vacation at the end of August with our entire family! Sweet! We also have plans of our own, but nothing is official yet... I do know that we are in Raleigh to stay, plant our roots, and grow our Christian family. How lucky that after 29 years, I am certain about who I hope to spend a lifetime of happiness with...

My new normal is here, and where I thought that six months ago my life would hold steady on a course of disbelief and hatred, I now know that it was intended that I live on and be the example of strength my family needs me to be. It took 18 months, but I am here. And I pray that each step I take is in a better direction.