Let the numbness take control.

Knowing I wasn't going to be at work the next few days was about the extent of what I knew. I remember standing in my bedroom staring into my closet trying to figure out what to put in my suitcase. I called Jack and when he didn't answer, I texted him telling him I needed to talk to him now. I called friends to tell them the news. I reached out to an old friend- a police officer in DE hoping he could provide answers. I was standing in my room with an empty suitcase in a complete fog. What else do I do? This was my brother. Not a grandparent or an old friend of the family, not someone who was critically or terminally ill. This was my healthy, sarcastic, young older brother. I google searched for an accident. No names associated with the press release but I knew. A 2 car crash that left 6 people dead- 4 of them children. I thought of my mom. I thought about the fact that I wasn't there. I remember her yelling at me to drive carefully. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to go right then, but Ronnie convinced me not to. The phone calls poured in. Aunt Debbie telling me to stay put she was coming. Jack calling to update me on where he was with getting to NC. My father calling to check on me and letting me know his plans. I don't remember who else. Ronnie poked her head in every few minutes. Me calling my dad (Craig) back to let him know what my plans were. Life spinning ridiculously out of control. The room spinning and I can still see the white haze in the room- either created because all the crying clogged up my contacts, or the numbness of the moment made my mind go blank and see nothing. I thought about my mom and how different her life had now become. The pain I heard in her voice that day still chokes me up. What did she do to deserve this?

In a moment, it all changed.

I cannot believe that it's been over 2 years.

I was reading the Audacity of Hope when Jason called me to chat. It was a typical, ordinary conversation. Then he asked me to hold on to take another call. When he clicked back over, I remember him telling me that he had to call me back because he thought Mike had been in an accident. I said "Okay, call me back and let me know". He said alright. We hung up. It was 5:30-6? I was making lasagna upstairs. Moments after Jason and I hung up, Craig called to chat. He wanted to talk about his grandmother and how she wasn't doing well in England. She was gonna be 100 years old in a couple of months and Craig was going to celebrate with her. Conversation came and went and right before we hung up, I asked to give Jason a call and check on him and Michael. He called me back within seconds to tell me that he thought everything was fine and that it sounded like Jason was helping Mike on the side of road with a flat or a fender bender or something. Little did anyone know.

I went back downstairs to read. I think, for the first time in my life, I didn't worry. I didn't think the worst as I always do. I thought everything was fine. It must have been around 6:30 when my phone lit up with Jason's name on the caller ID. And I remember answering with "Dude, it's about time you called me back." Those were the last words I ever spoke that echoed normalcy. My life would never be the same. "Are you sitting down?"... "Yeah"... "Are you really sitting down?"..."Yeah, man, what's up?"... "Tracey, he didn't make it"..."What, what do you mean?"..."Michael- he didn't make it"..."Jason, that's not funny.. that's not funny, man. Are you joking?"..."No, I'm not"..."Did you call Mom? I need you to hang up the phone and call Mom. She doesn't know! You need to call Mom, right now Jason, do you understand me?!"..."Yeah." Click.

The pain of that moment still hurts. It still chokes me up and I can feel my gut twist and turn underneath the pain and confusion of that moment. I walked into the living room where my roommate was sitting watching TV with headphones on. (She was always careful not to disturb me). I dropped to my knees and the phone fell onto the floor. She threw off the headphones and asked me if it was my dad's grandmother. It took a moment to realize that I had told her about how I felt bad for my dad because he wasn't likely to see his grandma anymore because she was ill. And I simply said "No, it's my brother." I can feel the numbness but at the same time, I can feel the cold brick floor and the pressure it put on my knees. I can feel my heart begin to pound harder in my chest. My only thought was my mom. I thought of nothing else, but what would happen when she found out. And then the call I never ever want to receive again came... 'Mommy' on the caller ID... "Please tell me it's not true" and she says "Yes, it's true". I remember her yelling at me to be careful on my way home. I didn't know what to do when the phone hung up. I was alone. I felt alone even though my extremely supportive roommate was there for me. There was no Jack, there was no little brother, no mom, no dad, no one... I think the first call I made was to my boss, Kristi. I wasn't sure how to address anyone else.

Simply Said

I miss you, my big brother
Mom misses you too
and it hurts to see her pain.
You know it wasn't your fault
and I know you would change it if you could
But my hope is that you are looking down
keeping a watchful eye on us all...

I see your picture daily
I hear your voice when you say "Trace"
it chokes me up everytime
the thought of you leaving this place

You left us and we all fell apart
things just aren't same
and you know it's not your fault.

I'm sorry that this happened
so many things about your life were unfair
but you know we're here doing our best
to make you so proud up there.

I don't mean to dwell on the bad
so let me focus on the good
thank you for teaching me to be
the toughest girl in the neighborhood

Thank you for the skills you taught me
like how to throw a football
further than anyone on the block
and how to pick up around the house
with less than a minute on the clock

I now know that Freddie Kruegger
doesn't exist in the house next door
but forget about watching any of his movies
they don't play in my VCR anymore

Playing all time quarterback
was always your best role
without you, how would I know
to run Pepsi or Skid Row?

Game night on Pine Street
going to Walmart in our bed clothes
playing pillow soccer in our living room
all the fun we had that no one knows

I dream about you every once in a while
and they are always great
I get to talk and laugh and reminisce
before it becomes too late.

I miss you my big brother
I'm sorry this is today
I wish I could turn back time
and simply say:

I love you.

It's a shame

"We have separate opinions on family issues, and she believes I should be thinking how she does. I love her, but I think she's a control freak. Besides I think she's mad because I said I'm not paying for her wedding. I want her to be happy but I'm not convinced Jack is Mr. Right. And that's my opinion. Doesn't have to be anyone elses. That another problem between us. She doesn't want me to be opinionated about certain things. I'm really too old to worry about any of this."

This is a text message from my father to my brother and it is verbatim (spelling errors and all).

Where do I begin with this?! Without going into all of it, I have a problem with the way my father views family values. He doesn't see them the way that I do. He doesn't agree with me, and I don't ask him to. I simply asked him to check his opinions at the door when talking to me about Mike, Abby, and Jason. I explained to him in detail that those three topics were sensitive to me and I just didn't want to talk about them in conversation with him. I asked nicely. I explained in detail and I'm pretty sure it was evident how important this was to me through my tearful explanation. Does anyone think that he listened? No... He wanted to prove his point. He continued his jabs about what kind of father Jason was gonna be, what mistakes Michael made in his life, his kids, his career. This was right after I asked him to not go there anymore. So I politely told him that since he couldn't respect these boundaries, I was finished talking to him. That, I believe was in February and I haven't talked to him since.

But then, I learn yesterday that he texts Jason the above text message and I am floored by its content. Truly, truly floored. At no point in the last 2 years did my father ever let on that he didn't approve of Jack. We never talked about MY wedding and who's gonna pay and him telling me that he wasn't going to contribute, etc. NEVER! So this came out of left field, and I obviously still have feelings about the whole thing because I am taking the time to write about it here, but those feelings are of anger, disgust, and pity for him.

It's a shame really, and I wish that I didn't have those feelings at all, but they exist and for the moment, I want to just feel them. I wish he was different, but he's not. Fundamentally, he is who he is, and that's not a problem for me... I just don't choose to be a part of that life. It causes too much pain. I have had more feelings about my father in the last 24 hours than I have had thoughts of him in the past 3 months because of the text message he sent Jason. The sad part is that I think he did it to stir up these emotions. Sick...

Our New Normal

I write because I enjoy the feeling of putting my words out there- not necessarily so anyone can read them, but so that I can say them without actually saying them. It's a release and it feels good.

Where have I been in the last 6 months? Lost and Hurt but finding a way back. I recently (in the past 3 months) decided that having a relationship with my dad was not worth the pain and confusion it causes. How many people can say that? Knowing what I know about the importance of family, you would think that my thought process would be completely opposite. But one thing that I did realize over the last 6 months of therapy and finding my "new normal" was that negativity has lost a place in my heart. And those that come with negativity are no longer welcome. Unfortunately, one of those people contributed half of my DNA (and little else, I might add).

I would elaborate further, but as I sit here, I realize it isn't worth my effort. It just is what it is.

We have some exciting things to look forward to this summer! Jack and I are excited about the birth of our niece, Aubrey Grace, at the end of June (although, I am seriously shooting for July 2, which was Mike's birthday). We are also looking forward to our family vacation at the end of August with our entire family! Sweet! We also have plans of our own, but nothing is official yet... I do know that we are in Raleigh to stay, plant our roots, and grow our Christian family. How lucky that after 29 years, I am certain about who I hope to spend a lifetime of happiness with...

My new normal is here, and where I thought that six months ago my life would hold steady on a course of disbelief and hatred, I now know that it was intended that I live on and be the example of strength my family needs me to be. It took 18 months, but I am here. And I pray that each step I take is in a better direction.

Spring time

It's Spring and the pollen has graciously and majestically covered everything in this part of North Carolina, including the lining of everyone's lungs... Gross... It's kind of a magical looking thing, but it still doesn't fare well on the respiratory system.

So what of Spring? This season brings in new life and, for me, a new place to live. I moved into a new apartment in Raleigh (<---- LOVE this city) and there is a spiral staircase in my living room. It's pretty cool... it's like having a piece of artwork that you didn't have to pay for but is totally the conversation piece when people come over.

I've relapsed a little on my anger management. I liken it is as a result of cutting back my therapy sessions, but more than that, I have been defaulting on my visits to church. I didn't honestly mean for all of it, but I will be honest and say that I have been more inclined to sleep in on Sunday than get up and go. And my mood has suffered. Jack and I have had a couple "come to Jesus" meetings, except that they've been more "do things Tracey's way or you will see the devil's wrath" meetings. Now, how fair is that really? I know what I need to do... now why am I finding excuses not to do it?

[Insert Clever Title Here, Because I Don't Have One]

Sitting here after a hot shower (because it's so cold outside) eating Girl Scout cookies and wondering if this feeling I am having is as close to being a parent as I could possibly be without being a parent. The feeling of heartache, disappointment, anger, and sadness smushed nicely into a tight ball sitting strategically between the stomach and the heart as it subtly tugs on your heart strings and makes you want to vomit all at the same time... I think the name for this feeling is called helplessness.

I feel so helpless when it comes to my nephews. Their father is gone and it hurts so much when I see them veer off the path and start acting the way they were taught not to act. I'm not talking about teenage rebellion, I'm talking "**EFF** the world, no one is gonna stop me so I can cuss at whoever I want and get myself thrown in the slammer a time or two" type stuff. Not to say that my nephews have gone to jail yet, but I guess I am wondering, at what point do you know that it's inevitable? And am I at that point yet? Painting a picture of this situation is to introduce the common stereotype of the fatherless family and mom is so absorbed into herself (and either the next man she is sleeping with or the next hit she can get) that she cares very little about what or who her children are running around with. School is optional, much less chores or responsibility. Maybe we aren't at that point and things could be a lot worse, but how many days, weeks, months, does it take for this mentality to take hold? It's been 16 months since Mike died and I don't want to see the last 16 years of his parenting, his teaching, his leadership, go to waste. I pray that they turn out alright.

I pray that when offered that hit or given the chance to drink, that they decline. And that they decline because they know what can happen, not just physically, but mentally, when they succumb to peer pressure- they start following and not leading... and that is not what Michael taught them to be! I pray that find their own way, but also that the road they take keeps them happy and healthy. I do wonder what God has in store for them, and I have to trust that the road He chose is one that leads to wisdom and happiness, but it's so hard to leave it to Him. It's hard because He took my big brother- my only big brother- so quickly and HORRIFICALLY... And it's situtations like these that make it hard for me to believe that there is a God.

I know I am just an aunt, who lives 350 miles away and who only gets to interject influence every 3 or months but I imagine that today I am feeling the sense of helplessness of a parent, and it makes me afraid to ever be one.