Simply Said

I miss you, my big brother
Mom misses you too
and it hurts to see her pain.
You know it wasn't your fault
and I know you would change it if you could
But my hope is that you are looking down
keeping a watchful eye on us all...

I see your picture daily
I hear your voice when you say "Trace"
it chokes me up everytime
the thought of you leaving this place

You left us and we all fell apart
things just aren't same
and you know it's not your fault.

I'm sorry that this happened
so many things about your life were unfair
but you know we're here doing our best
to make you so proud up there.

I don't mean to dwell on the bad
so let me focus on the good
thank you for teaching me to be
the toughest girl in the neighborhood

Thank you for the skills you taught me
like how to throw a football
further than anyone on the block
and how to pick up around the house
with less than a minute on the clock

I now know that Freddie Kruegger
doesn't exist in the house next door
but forget about watching any of his movies
they don't play in my VCR anymore

Playing all time quarterback
was always your best role
without you, how would I know
to run Pepsi or Skid Row?

Game night on Pine Street
going to Walmart in our bed clothes
playing pillow soccer in our living room
all the fun we had that no one knows

I dream about you every once in a while
and they are always great
I get to talk and laugh and reminisce
before it becomes too late.

I miss you my big brother
I'm sorry this is today
I wish I could turn back time
and simply say:

I love you.

It's a shame

"We have separate opinions on family issues, and she believes I should be thinking how she does. I love her, but I think she's a control freak. Besides I think she's mad because I said I'm not paying for her wedding. I want her to be happy but I'm not convinced Jack is Mr. Right. And that's my opinion. Doesn't have to be anyone elses. That another problem between us. She doesn't want me to be opinionated about certain things. I'm really too old to worry about any of this."

This is a text message from my father to my brother and it is verbatim (spelling errors and all).

Where do I begin with this?! Without going into all of it, I have a problem with the way my father views family values. He doesn't see them the way that I do. He doesn't agree with me, and I don't ask him to. I simply asked him to check his opinions at the door when talking to me about Mike, Abby, and Jason. I explained to him in detail that those three topics were sensitive to me and I just didn't want to talk about them in conversation with him. I asked nicely. I explained in detail and I'm pretty sure it was evident how important this was to me through my tearful explanation. Does anyone think that he listened? No... He wanted to prove his point. He continued his jabs about what kind of father Jason was gonna be, what mistakes Michael made in his life, his kids, his career. This was right after I asked him to not go there anymore. So I politely told him that since he couldn't respect these boundaries, I was finished talking to him. That, I believe was in February and I haven't talked to him since.

But then, I learn yesterday that he texts Jason the above text message and I am floored by its content. Truly, truly floored. At no point in the last 2 years did my father ever let on that he didn't approve of Jack. We never talked about MY wedding and who's gonna pay and him telling me that he wasn't going to contribute, etc. NEVER! So this came out of left field, and I obviously still have feelings about the whole thing because I am taking the time to write about it here, but those feelings are of anger, disgust, and pity for him.

It's a shame really, and I wish that I didn't have those feelings at all, but they exist and for the moment, I want to just feel them. I wish he was different, but he's not. Fundamentally, he is who he is, and that's not a problem for me... I just don't choose to be a part of that life. It causes too much pain. I have had more feelings about my father in the last 24 hours than I have had thoughts of him in the past 3 months because of the text message he sent Jason. The sad part is that I think he did it to stir up these emotions. Sick...

Our New Normal

I write because I enjoy the feeling of putting my words out there- not necessarily so anyone can read them, but so that I can say them without actually saying them. It's a release and it feels good.

Where have I been in the last 6 months? Lost and Hurt but finding a way back. I recently (in the past 3 months) decided that having a relationship with my dad was not worth the pain and confusion it causes. How many people can say that? Knowing what I know about the importance of family, you would think that my thought process would be completely opposite. But one thing that I did realize over the last 6 months of therapy and finding my "new normal" was that negativity has lost a place in my heart. And those that come with negativity are no longer welcome. Unfortunately, one of those people contributed half of my DNA (and little else, I might add).

I would elaborate further, but as I sit here, I realize it isn't worth my effort. It just is what it is.

We have some exciting things to look forward to this summer! Jack and I are excited about the birth of our niece, Aubrey Grace, at the end of June (although, I am seriously shooting for July 2, which was Mike's birthday). We are also looking forward to our family vacation at the end of August with our entire family! Sweet! We also have plans of our own, but nothing is official yet... I do know that we are in Raleigh to stay, plant our roots, and grow our Christian family. How lucky that after 29 years, I am certain about who I hope to spend a lifetime of happiness with...

My new normal is here, and where I thought that six months ago my life would hold steady on a course of disbelief and hatred, I now know that it was intended that I live on and be the example of strength my family needs me to be. It took 18 months, but I am here. And I pray that each step I take is in a better direction.

Spring time

It's Spring and the pollen has graciously and majestically covered everything in this part of North Carolina, including the lining of everyone's lungs... Gross... It's kind of a magical looking thing, but it still doesn't fare well on the respiratory system.

So what of Spring? This season brings in new life and, for me, a new place to live. I moved into a new apartment in Raleigh (<---- LOVE this city) and there is a spiral staircase in my living room. It's pretty cool... it's like having a piece of artwork that you didn't have to pay for but is totally the conversation piece when people come over.

I've relapsed a little on my anger management. I liken it is as a result of cutting back my therapy sessions, but more than that, I have been defaulting on my visits to church. I didn't honestly mean for all of it, but I will be honest and say that I have been more inclined to sleep in on Sunday than get up and go. And my mood has suffered. Jack and I have had a couple "come to Jesus" meetings, except that they've been more "do things Tracey's way or you will see the devil's wrath" meetings. Now, how fair is that really? I know what I need to do... now why am I finding excuses not to do it?

[Insert Clever Title Here, Because I Don't Have One]

Sitting here after a hot shower (because it's so cold outside) eating Girl Scout cookies and wondering if this feeling I am having is as close to being a parent as I could possibly be without being a parent. The feeling of heartache, disappointment, anger, and sadness smushed nicely into a tight ball sitting strategically between the stomach and the heart as it subtly tugs on your heart strings and makes you want to vomit all at the same time... I think the name for this feeling is called helplessness.

I feel so helpless when it comes to my nephews. Their father is gone and it hurts so much when I see them veer off the path and start acting the way they were taught not to act. I'm not talking about teenage rebellion, I'm talking "**EFF** the world, no one is gonna stop me so I can cuss at whoever I want and get myself thrown in the slammer a time or two" type stuff. Not to say that my nephews have gone to jail yet, but I guess I am wondering, at what point do you know that it's inevitable? And am I at that point yet? Painting a picture of this situation is to introduce the common stereotype of the fatherless family and mom is so absorbed into herself (and either the next man she is sleeping with or the next hit she can get) that she cares very little about what or who her children are running around with. School is optional, much less chores or responsibility. Maybe we aren't at that point and things could be a lot worse, but how many days, weeks, months, does it take for this mentality to take hold? It's been 16 months since Mike died and I don't want to see the last 16 years of his parenting, his teaching, his leadership, go to waste. I pray that they turn out alright.

I pray that when offered that hit or given the chance to drink, that they decline. And that they decline because they know what can happen, not just physically, but mentally, when they succumb to peer pressure- they start following and not leading... and that is not what Michael taught them to be! I pray that find their own way, but also that the road they take keeps them happy and healthy. I do wonder what God has in store for them, and I have to trust that the road He chose is one that leads to wisdom and happiness, but it's so hard to leave it to Him. It's hard because He took my big brother- my only big brother- so quickly and HORRIFICALLY... And it's situtations like these that make it hard for me to believe that there is a God.

I know I am just an aunt, who lives 350 miles away and who only gets to interject influence every 3 or months but I imagine that today I am feeling the sense of helplessness of a parent, and it makes me afraid to ever be one.

Sitting quietly on a Sunday morning. Again, the shades are open and the beautiful morning sunshine is is brightening my living room. The trees are gently swaying in the breeze and the trance their movement puts me in reminds me of my last session with the doc.

He asked me if I wanted to practice an exercise in which he would record a session of meditation/hypnosis? for me to take home and use. Of course I wanted to do that. So for 16 minutes, he calmed my body and my mind and took me to a place of total relaxation and it was so cool. I recommend it. It just allowed you to focus completely on your breathing and dismiss other thoughts and relax as a way to build your muscle memory. Anyway, don't want to get too technical, but it was a great exercise and now I have it so I can practice it at home too.

In other news, I finally got my new bed, which means that I got a great night's sleep last night. Which is one reason why I am up so cheerful on this Sunday morning. Off to eat my cereal and church is at 11:15.

I am wearing two long sleeved shirts right now. I don't remember the last time that happened. I also can't remember the last time that I thought about my life and was happy with what was going on. Improvements can be made, but I am making them and that is making me happier. It's not because it's a new year- it's because I have made a conscious decision to open my heart back uP.

I feel good right now. Two sessions with a counselor and I feel as though the greatest strides have been made- it's like the first week or two of a diet when you lose the most weight by doing something drastic. And then through the rest of the "diet" (or what should be a lifestyle change) you work on little things to help you maintain the change and improve on what you've already accomplished. I have had opportunities to curse myself into a frenzy or get so mad I start throwing things, but I have refrained. I have indulged in detached observation and I have enjoyed every second of it.

I have learned that:
1. It's okay to throw your hand in the air and ask for a timeout when things start to get heavy.
2. It's okay to walk out of the room and take a few minutes to regain your thoughts.
3. It's okay to come back to a conversation much later, ask for a few minutes of their time, and calmly explain your frustrations, fears, anxieties, or stresses. I learned that this not only builds communication lines, but prevents your head from exploding.
4. I learned that by saying things like "I feel like" or "my opinion is" is often more accepted than "you always/never" or "you make me".

I started seeing a counselor because my anger, mixed with sadness and grief, was a dangerous combination for my personal and work life. My anger has closed my heart and mind to what anyone has had to say outside of my beliefs, my feelings, and my thoughts. My sadness has fueled that anger and taken me to a place of not trusting, not caring, not listening, and not loving. It's only because I am starting to breathe again that I can see what the past 13 months have done to me.

What I do know about myself is that I will relapse. I will get angry and I will vent those emotions negatively, but I am praying that by the grace of God, I am able to reign in the negative feelings more quickly and learn to extiguish them with understanding, patience, and love. And eventually, I am hoping that where those feelings of anger will bubble, they will not surface.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

and because I am just awesome.

A New Year

I'm sure everyone's blogs start off with that headline, don't they? My place is quiet this morning as Jack is still asleep and the blinds are open already. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, and I am happy- None of which have happened too often lately. Right now, I feel like there is only one way to go and that is up and I am holding on to that feeling. My most recent session with Dr. Kincade was more insightful as I learned to further control my emotionally explosive outburts of anger. I even practiced last night...

I hate ignorance. I hate judgments and stereotypes. I really hate the idea that people vote or don't vote for someone because of the color of their skin. And I really really hate when people, because they are of a certain color, now believe that the person they voted for (who is of the same color) should now make reparations for slavery a constitutional law, should make Jet magazine an official encyclopedia, and Snakes on a Plane now deserves an Oscar for Best Picture. I know, I went too far, but my loyal fans should get the idea. So as we were walking out the door to go to dinner and a movie with our fabulous group of friends, there was an analyst on TV for the Tom Joyner radio morning show discussing how disappointed the black community is in the job Obama is doing and that because the largest constituency for his election into office was the black community, they expect that he would do more for them... blah, blah, blah. Okay... so I'm shaking my head, because I am disgusted and of course Jack (who is my most loving, adorable, black boyfriend) does not agree with my shaking my head. This moment really could affect the entire night... So I think back to what the doc said about detached observation- removing yourself, if but for a few seconds, to weigh your options and observe how each decision would affect the outcome. I did good.

I simply said, "I don't understand why these folks don't get that he's only been there 1 year and he still has time to prove himself." Not hateful, not judgemental, just simply stating my lack of understanding for the situation. Jack made a comment and where I know I could have kept going, I stopped. I thought about how much I would have made his life a living hell for the next few hours and I decided that it wasn't worth it. And we had a great evening. All is well, and I found myself just shocked at how shocked I was that we didn't fight, bicker, or argue at all. And I realized that 90% of the fights are the ones I start. Craziness!

It's gonna be a great year if I keep up this pace...