Let the numbness take control.

Knowing I wasn't going to be at work the next few days was about the extent of what I knew. I remember standing in my bedroom staring into my closet trying to figure out what to put in my suitcase. I called Jack and when he didn't answer, I texted him telling him I needed to talk to him now. I called friends to tell them the news. I reached out to an old friend- a police officer in DE hoping he could provide answers. I was standing in my room with an empty suitcase in a complete fog. What else do I do? This was my brother. Not a grandparent or an old friend of the family, not someone who was critically or terminally ill. This was my healthy, sarcastic, young older brother. I google searched for an accident. No names associated with the press release but I knew. A 2 car crash that left 6 people dead- 4 of them children. I thought of my mom. I thought about the fact that I wasn't there. I remember her yelling at me to drive carefully. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to go right then, but Ronnie convinced me not to. The phone calls poured in. Aunt Debbie telling me to stay put she was coming. Jack calling to update me on where he was with getting to NC. My father calling to check on me and letting me know his plans. I don't remember who else. Ronnie poked her head in every few minutes. Me calling my dad (Craig) back to let him know what my plans were. Life spinning ridiculously out of control. The room spinning and I can still see the white haze in the room- either created because all the crying clogged up my contacts, or the numbness of the moment made my mind go blank and see nothing. I thought about my mom and how different her life had now become. The pain I heard in her voice that day still chokes me up. What did she do to deserve this?

In a moment, it all changed.

I cannot believe that it's been over 2 years.

I was reading the Audacity of Hope when Jason called me to chat. It was a typical, ordinary conversation. Then he asked me to hold on to take another call. When he clicked back over, I remember him telling me that he had to call me back because he thought Mike had been in an accident. I said "Okay, call me back and let me know". He said alright. We hung up. It was 5:30-6? I was making lasagna upstairs. Moments after Jason and I hung up, Craig called to chat. He wanted to talk about his grandmother and how she wasn't doing well in England. She was gonna be 100 years old in a couple of months and Craig was going to celebrate with her. Conversation came and went and right before we hung up, I asked to give Jason a call and check on him and Michael. He called me back within seconds to tell me that he thought everything was fine and that it sounded like Jason was helping Mike on the side of road with a flat or a fender bender or something. Little did anyone know.

I went back downstairs to read. I think, for the first time in my life, I didn't worry. I didn't think the worst as I always do. I thought everything was fine. It must have been around 6:30 when my phone lit up with Jason's name on the caller ID. And I remember answering with "Dude, it's about time you called me back." Those were the last words I ever spoke that echoed normalcy. My life would never be the same. "Are you sitting down?"... "Yeah"... "Are you really sitting down?"..."Yeah, man, what's up?"... "Tracey, he didn't make it"..."What, what do you mean?"..."Michael- he didn't make it"..."Jason, that's not funny.. that's not funny, man. Are you joking?"..."No, I'm not"..."Did you call Mom? I need you to hang up the phone and call Mom. She doesn't know! You need to call Mom, right now Jason, do you understand me?!"..."Yeah." Click.

The pain of that moment still hurts. It still chokes me up and I can feel my gut twist and turn underneath the pain and confusion of that moment. I walked into the living room where my roommate was sitting watching TV with headphones on. (She was always careful not to disturb me). I dropped to my knees and the phone fell onto the floor. She threw off the headphones and asked me if it was my dad's grandmother. It took a moment to realize that I had told her about how I felt bad for my dad because he wasn't likely to see his grandma anymore because she was ill. And I simply said "No, it's my brother." I can feel the numbness but at the same time, I can feel the cold brick floor and the pressure it put on my knees. I can feel my heart begin to pound harder in my chest. My only thought was my mom. I thought of nothing else, but what would happen when she found out. And then the call I never ever want to receive again came... 'Mommy' on the caller ID... "Please tell me it's not true" and she says "Yes, it's true". I remember her yelling at me to be careful on my way home. I didn't know what to do when the phone hung up. I was alone. I felt alone even though my extremely supportive roommate was there for me. There was no Jack, there was no little brother, no mom, no dad, no one... I think the first call I made was to my boss, Kristi. I wasn't sure how to address anyone else.