Sitting quietly on a Sunday morning. Again, the shades are open and the beautiful morning sunshine is is brightening my living room. The trees are gently swaying in the breeze and the trance their movement puts me in reminds me of my last session with the doc.

He asked me if I wanted to practice an exercise in which he would record a session of meditation/hypnosis? for me to take home and use. Of course I wanted to do that. So for 16 minutes, he calmed my body and my mind and took me to a place of total relaxation and it was so cool. I recommend it. It just allowed you to focus completely on your breathing and dismiss other thoughts and relax as a way to build your muscle memory. Anyway, don't want to get too technical, but it was a great exercise and now I have it so I can practice it at home too.

In other news, I finally got my new bed, which means that I got a great night's sleep last night. Which is one reason why I am up so cheerful on this Sunday morning. Off to eat my cereal and church is at 11:15.

I am wearing two long sleeved shirts right now. I don't remember the last time that happened. I also can't remember the last time that I thought about my life and was happy with what was going on. Improvements can be made, but I am making them and that is making me happier. It's not because it's a new year- it's because I have made a conscious decision to open my heart back uP.

I feel good right now. Two sessions with a counselor and I feel as though the greatest strides have been made- it's like the first week or two of a diet when you lose the most weight by doing something drastic. And then through the rest of the "diet" (or what should be a lifestyle change) you work on little things to help you maintain the change and improve on what you've already accomplished. I have had opportunities to curse myself into a frenzy or get so mad I start throwing things, but I have refrained. I have indulged in detached observation and I have enjoyed every second of it.

I have learned that:
1. It's okay to throw your hand in the air and ask for a timeout when things start to get heavy.
2. It's okay to walk out of the room and take a few minutes to regain your thoughts.
3. It's okay to come back to a conversation much later, ask for a few minutes of their time, and calmly explain your frustrations, fears, anxieties, or stresses. I learned that this not only builds communication lines, but prevents your head from exploding.
4. I learned that by saying things like "I feel like" or "my opinion is" is often more accepted than "you always/never" or "you make me".

I started seeing a counselor because my anger, mixed with sadness and grief, was a dangerous combination for my personal and work life. My anger has closed my heart and mind to what anyone has had to say outside of my beliefs, my feelings, and my thoughts. My sadness has fueled that anger and taken me to a place of not trusting, not caring, not listening, and not loving. It's only because I am starting to breathe again that I can see what the past 13 months have done to me.

What I do know about myself is that I will relapse. I will get angry and I will vent those emotions negatively, but I am praying that by the grace of God, I am able to reign in the negative feelings more quickly and learn to extiguish them with understanding, patience, and love. And eventually, I am hoping that where those feelings of anger will bubble, they will not surface.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

and because I am just awesome.

A New Year

I'm sure everyone's blogs start off with that headline, don't they? My place is quiet this morning as Jack is still asleep and the blinds are open already. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, and I am happy- None of which have happened too often lately. Right now, I feel like there is only one way to go and that is up and I am holding on to that feeling. My most recent session with Dr. Kincade was more insightful as I learned to further control my emotionally explosive outburts of anger. I even practiced last night...

I hate ignorance. I hate judgments and stereotypes. I really hate the idea that people vote or don't vote for someone because of the color of their skin. And I really really hate when people, because they are of a certain color, now believe that the person they voted for (who is of the same color) should now make reparations for slavery a constitutional law, should make Jet magazine an official encyclopedia, and Snakes on a Plane now deserves an Oscar for Best Picture. I know, I went too far, but my loyal fans should get the idea. So as we were walking out the door to go to dinner and a movie with our fabulous group of friends, there was an analyst on TV for the Tom Joyner radio morning show discussing how disappointed the black community is in the job Obama is doing and that because the largest constituency for his election into office was the black community, they expect that he would do more for them... blah, blah, blah. Okay... so I'm shaking my head, because I am disgusted and of course Jack (who is my most loving, adorable, black boyfriend) does not agree with my shaking my head. This moment really could affect the entire night... So I think back to what the doc said about detached observation- removing yourself, if but for a few seconds, to weigh your options and observe how each decision would affect the outcome. I did good.

I simply said, "I don't understand why these folks don't get that he's only been there 1 year and he still has time to prove himself." Not hateful, not judgemental, just simply stating my lack of understanding for the situation. Jack made a comment and where I know I could have kept going, I stopped. I thought about how much I would have made his life a living hell for the next few hours and I decided that it wasn't worth it. And we had a great evening. All is well, and I found myself just shocked at how shocked I was that we didn't fight, bicker, or argue at all. And I realized that 90% of the fights are the ones I start. Craziness!

It's gonna be a great year if I keep up this pace...