All alone.

Alone I feel overwhelmed with my thoughts. Sleeping at night does not fare well. Can you realize yourself that you are depressed? Some days I care very little about which way is up. Others, I am consumed by making things right. But in doing so, I cannot and I get frustrated. It's a cycle. Right now, I hate the world, but I don't hate myself. I think I have tried to do everything right and with the best of intentions.

As the tears roll down my face, I wonder why...and how.
Why do I hate her so much?
Why does it consume my thoughts- both awake and asleep?
Why did Mike have to die?
Why does our God disappoint us?
Why was she not the one that had to burn?
How do I fix it?

Alone with my thoughts... and it's a dangerous place for me to be.

Anger issues

What is the proper etiquette for sitting in the waiting room in a shrink's office? I feel nervous about being there, but not because I am uneasy about my first step in a better direction for myself, but because I'm not sure how to act. Do I look around? Is it okay to look at other people in the room? Are they worried that I am scanning them, judging them, trying to figure out what's wrong with their minds? And I'm thinking- are they waiting for someone who's in the chair? Is it a loved one who had to be here because it was court appointed? What did they do? Are they here because inside they feeled as screwed up as I do? Do they feel as wierd as me right now? Are they secretly judging me, scanning me? Are they planning to open tonight's blog entry the same way as me? What is wrong with me?!?!

"Tracey, the doctor will see you now."

Thank God that part is over...

So, I figured out that I have anger issues. When the doctor first asked why I wanted to see him, I thought for a split second and my knee jerk reaction was essentially that I hate my sister in law. Upon explaining the situation (and this has happened on more than one occasion), the doctor looked shocked by what has happened in the last 12 months. That look is the feeling of validation I have been looking for. Validated in my hate. Now that I feel validated, I can move forward with this. Let's figure out a way to become indifferent- only indifferent is not exactly what I mean. What I really want is called casual something or other (I can't remember now, but I am hoping I can put it in the blog later). And it just means that I don't want want to NOT care, I just want to be able to sit back and observe how my feelings could play out. (reacting one way vs. another, more self destructive way). When he was talking about it, I was a bit lost, but likened it to a "which-way" book. Sit back, look at my options and decide which is the best way for me to react to any given situation, this one in particular.

And that's where the deep breathing exercises come in to play. It turns out that our grandma's have been right all along. "Take a deep breath." "Count to ten." There is some scientific truth to it, apparently...

I was able to talk, I was able to cry, I was able to not feel judged or "bad" for thinking the way I do. My feelings are not good or bad, they just are. I need to realize that in order to stay on track. My stress level is dependent on how I react to a perceived threat. So sitting back and determining what the best course of action is for me and then following that course is ultimately going to allow me to regain control of my anger and hateful feelings toward her. (Maybe one day, she will have a name again, but she is still her for right now.)

And at some point in this whole process, I will address my grief properly and without interruption so I can heal.

To my nephews- I hope that you never come across this blog. But I know that as intelligent as you are, you may in fact read this. I want you to know that nothing I have ever done has been as hard as trying to protect you from these feelings I have about your mom. With all my heart, I love you and I have only ever wanted what was best for you. I remember how it was to hear my mom talk about my dad or my dad to talk about my mom and if you may hurt even a fraction of what I hurt when that happened, I never want you to go through it. I am getting help for these issues and this is part of that road. I love you and don't you ever forget that.

Well on my road to recovery because I am destined for greatness.

Love, peace, and chicken grease...

T.Rax

North Raleigh Community Church

Didn't feel great about the church I went to this morning. They were talking spirituality and I just didn't get the warm & fuzzy. I know that I went into the day excited about the church, but I am looking for something else. I just don't know what yet. But I do know that I will feel it when it happens.

It has taken awhile

My brother died. Do you know how hard that was to even come off the end of my fingertips? No, I bet you have no idea because I own that feeling. It is embedded deep in my bones, my heart. He left us suddenly and unfairly and that has made me so angry. Angry at GOD. Angry at the woman he was married to who is still here and despite a tragedy that could have made her a stronger woman, has made her a poor excuse for a mother and a human being. Do you feel that hatred? That is also embedded deep into my bones entangling and suffocating the feeling of grief and loss I feel for Mike.

I cannot properly grieve the loss of my brother because I am so filled with hatred for her. I am so filled with hatred for her that I refuse to give her a name. She doesn't deserve one. I hate her for what she has done to my mother. I hate her for what she has done to our family. I wish her death to be a slow, painful one for what she has done to my nephews. HATE. What a powerful word. As I sit here and type, my eyes well up with tears and my heart begins to beat fast enough to cause a headache. And I forget the reason for starting this post in the first place.

I miss my brother. I miss the feeling of completeness I had for 28 years of my life. Uncle Steve told my mom you will find "a new normal" and where I know he is right, I find it hard to believe.

My path to God has become overgrown, untouched, covered with leaves. I've turned my back on Him and lost faith in his teachings because of my anger and the loss. You know, I can almost be okay with the loss of my brother, if his bitch of a wife was more of a mother and a human being who I knew was capable mentally of taking care of her children. But it is clear that she is not and I do not understand a God that would take the ONLY parent those boys had. God, sir, you took the WRONG ONE! How do you reconcile that? How are you able to look a liar, cheater in his face and take him seriously? That's how I feel!

But I am willing to give it a shot, because I know that there is a power higher than my being out there. I once knew a merciful God, a gentle God, and I would like to know that being again. My journey today continues at a new church. I will not stop until I find one that takes over my soul and who I gladly give into.

I am also going to seek mental health counseling because as Jack observed and I failed to realize, I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Inside, I know I am, but I guess I didn't realize that showed on the outside. I think about Mike so much but as I think about his absence in this world, it becomes overshadowed by the resentment, anger, dismay, and hatred I have for the wife he entrusted his children to here on Earth. I need to get to a place where my thoughts are not something that could get me locked up but that can free me to live on and be a teacher, a leader, an encourager to those boys. Because that's what Mike would want me to do.

My journey continues, openly and freely, today.