It has taken awhile

My brother died. Do you know how hard that was to even come off the end of my fingertips? No, I bet you have no idea because I own that feeling. It is embedded deep in my bones, my heart. He left us suddenly and unfairly and that has made me so angry. Angry at GOD. Angry at the woman he was married to who is still here and despite a tragedy that could have made her a stronger woman, has made her a poor excuse for a mother and a human being. Do you feel that hatred? That is also embedded deep into my bones entangling and suffocating the feeling of grief and loss I feel for Mike.

I cannot properly grieve the loss of my brother because I am so filled with hatred for her. I am so filled with hatred for her that I refuse to give her a name. She doesn't deserve one. I hate her for what she has done to my mother. I hate her for what she has done to our family. I wish her death to be a slow, painful one for what she has done to my nephews. HATE. What a powerful word. As I sit here and type, my eyes well up with tears and my heart begins to beat fast enough to cause a headache. And I forget the reason for starting this post in the first place.

I miss my brother. I miss the feeling of completeness I had for 28 years of my life. Uncle Steve told my mom you will find "a new normal" and where I know he is right, I find it hard to believe.

My path to God has become overgrown, untouched, covered with leaves. I've turned my back on Him and lost faith in his teachings because of my anger and the loss. You know, I can almost be okay with the loss of my brother, if his bitch of a wife was more of a mother and a human being who I knew was capable mentally of taking care of her children. But it is clear that she is not and I do not understand a God that would take the ONLY parent those boys had. God, sir, you took the WRONG ONE! How do you reconcile that? How are you able to look a liar, cheater in his face and take him seriously? That's how I feel!

But I am willing to give it a shot, because I know that there is a power higher than my being out there. I once knew a merciful God, a gentle God, and I would like to know that being again. My journey today continues at a new church. I will not stop until I find one that takes over my soul and who I gladly give into.

I am also going to seek mental health counseling because as Jack observed and I failed to realize, I am a completely different person than I was a year ago. Inside, I know I am, but I guess I didn't realize that showed on the outside. I think about Mike so much but as I think about his absence in this world, it becomes overshadowed by the resentment, anger, dismay, and hatred I have for the wife he entrusted his children to here on Earth. I need to get to a place where my thoughts are not something that could get me locked up but that can free me to live on and be a teacher, a leader, an encourager to those boys. Because that's what Mike would want me to do.

My journey continues, openly and freely, today.