Anger issues

What is the proper etiquette for sitting in the waiting room in a shrink's office? I feel nervous about being there, but not because I am uneasy about my first step in a better direction for myself, but because I'm not sure how to act. Do I look around? Is it okay to look at other people in the room? Are they worried that I am scanning them, judging them, trying to figure out what's wrong with their minds? And I'm thinking- are they waiting for someone who's in the chair? Is it a loved one who had to be here because it was court appointed? What did they do? Are they here because inside they feeled as screwed up as I do? Do they feel as wierd as me right now? Are they secretly judging me, scanning me? Are they planning to open tonight's blog entry the same way as me? What is wrong with me?!?!

"Tracey, the doctor will see you now."

Thank God that part is over...

So, I figured out that I have anger issues. When the doctor first asked why I wanted to see him, I thought for a split second and my knee jerk reaction was essentially that I hate my sister in law. Upon explaining the situation (and this has happened on more than one occasion), the doctor looked shocked by what has happened in the last 12 months. That look is the feeling of validation I have been looking for. Validated in my hate. Now that I feel validated, I can move forward with this. Let's figure out a way to become indifferent- only indifferent is not exactly what I mean. What I really want is called casual something or other (I can't remember now, but I am hoping I can put it in the blog later). And it just means that I don't want want to NOT care, I just want to be able to sit back and observe how my feelings could play out. (reacting one way vs. another, more self destructive way). When he was talking about it, I was a bit lost, but likened it to a "which-way" book. Sit back, look at my options and decide which is the best way for me to react to any given situation, this one in particular.

And that's where the deep breathing exercises come in to play. It turns out that our grandma's have been right all along. "Take a deep breath." "Count to ten." There is some scientific truth to it, apparently...

I was able to talk, I was able to cry, I was able to not feel judged or "bad" for thinking the way I do. My feelings are not good or bad, they just are. I need to realize that in order to stay on track. My stress level is dependent on how I react to a perceived threat. So sitting back and determining what the best course of action is for me and then following that course is ultimately going to allow me to regain control of my anger and hateful feelings toward her. (Maybe one day, she will have a name again, but she is still her for right now.)

And at some point in this whole process, I will address my grief properly and without interruption so I can heal.

To my nephews- I hope that you never come across this blog. But I know that as intelligent as you are, you may in fact read this. I want you to know that nothing I have ever done has been as hard as trying to protect you from these feelings I have about your mom. With all my heart, I love you and I have only ever wanted what was best for you. I remember how it was to hear my mom talk about my dad or my dad to talk about my mom and if you may hurt even a fraction of what I hurt when that happened, I never want you to go through it. I am getting help for these issues and this is part of that road. I love you and don't you ever forget that.

Well on my road to recovery because I am destined for greatness.

Love, peace, and chicken grease...

T.Rax