[Insert Clever Title Here, Because I Don't Have One]

Sitting here after a hot shower (because it's so cold outside) eating Girl Scout cookies and wondering if this feeling I am having is as close to being a parent as I could possibly be without being a parent. The feeling of heartache, disappointment, anger, and sadness smushed nicely into a tight ball sitting strategically between the stomach and the heart as it subtly tugs on your heart strings and makes you want to vomit all at the same time... I think the name for this feeling is called helplessness.

I feel so helpless when it comes to my nephews. Their father is gone and it hurts so much when I see them veer off the path and start acting the way they were taught not to act. I'm not talking about teenage rebellion, I'm talking "**EFF** the world, no one is gonna stop me so I can cuss at whoever I want and get myself thrown in the slammer a time or two" type stuff. Not to say that my nephews have gone to jail yet, but I guess I am wondering, at what point do you know that it's inevitable? And am I at that point yet? Painting a picture of this situation is to introduce the common stereotype of the fatherless family and mom is so absorbed into herself (and either the next man she is sleeping with or the next hit she can get) that she cares very little about what or who her children are running around with. School is optional, much less chores or responsibility. Maybe we aren't at that point and things could be a lot worse, but how many days, weeks, months, does it take for this mentality to take hold? It's been 16 months since Mike died and I don't want to see the last 16 years of his parenting, his teaching, his leadership, go to waste. I pray that they turn out alright.

I pray that when offered that hit or given the chance to drink, that they decline. And that they decline because they know what can happen, not just physically, but mentally, when they succumb to peer pressure- they start following and not leading... and that is not what Michael taught them to be! I pray that find their own way, but also that the road they take keeps them happy and healthy. I do wonder what God has in store for them, and I have to trust that the road He chose is one that leads to wisdom and happiness, but it's so hard to leave it to Him. It's hard because He took my big brother- my only big brother- so quickly and HORRIFICALLY... And it's situtations like these that make it hard for me to believe that there is a God.

I know I am just an aunt, who lives 350 miles away and who only gets to interject influence every 3 or months but I imagine that today I am feeling the sense of helplessness of a parent, and it makes me afraid to ever be one.