In a moment, it all changed.

I cannot believe that it's been over 2 years.

I was reading the Audacity of Hope when Jason called me to chat. It was a typical, ordinary conversation. Then he asked me to hold on to take another call. When he clicked back over, I remember him telling me that he had to call me back because he thought Mike had been in an accident. I said "Okay, call me back and let me know". He said alright. We hung up. It was 5:30-6? I was making lasagna upstairs. Moments after Jason and I hung up, Craig called to chat. He wanted to talk about his grandmother and how she wasn't doing well in England. She was gonna be 100 years old in a couple of months and Craig was going to celebrate with her. Conversation came and went and right before we hung up, I asked to give Jason a call and check on him and Michael. He called me back within seconds to tell me that he thought everything was fine and that it sounded like Jason was helping Mike on the side of road with a flat or a fender bender or something. Little did anyone know.

I went back downstairs to read. I think, for the first time in my life, I didn't worry. I didn't think the worst as I always do. I thought everything was fine. It must have been around 6:30 when my phone lit up with Jason's name on the caller ID. And I remember answering with "Dude, it's about time you called me back." Those were the last words I ever spoke that echoed normalcy. My life would never be the same. "Are you sitting down?"... "Yeah"... "Are you really sitting down?"..."Yeah, man, what's up?"... "Tracey, he didn't make it"..."What, what do you mean?"..."Michael- he didn't make it"..."Jason, that's not funny.. that's not funny, man. Are you joking?"..."No, I'm not"..."Did you call Mom? I need you to hang up the phone and call Mom. She doesn't know! You need to call Mom, right now Jason, do you understand me?!"..."Yeah." Click.

The pain of that moment still hurts. It still chokes me up and I can feel my gut twist and turn underneath the pain and confusion of that moment. I walked into the living room where my roommate was sitting watching TV with headphones on. (She was always careful not to disturb me). I dropped to my knees and the phone fell onto the floor. She threw off the headphones and asked me if it was my dad's grandmother. It took a moment to realize that I had told her about how I felt bad for my dad because he wasn't likely to see his grandma anymore because she was ill. And I simply said "No, it's my brother." I can feel the numbness but at the same time, I can feel the cold brick floor and the pressure it put on my knees. I can feel my heart begin to pound harder in my chest. My only thought was my mom. I thought of nothing else, but what would happen when she found out. And then the call I never ever want to receive again came... 'Mommy' on the caller ID... "Please tell me it's not true" and she says "Yes, it's true". I remember her yelling at me to be careful on my way home. I didn't know what to do when the phone hung up. I was alone. I felt alone even though my extremely supportive roommate was there for me. There was no Jack, there was no little brother, no mom, no dad, no one... I think the first call I made was to my boss, Kristi. I wasn't sure how to address anyone else.