Let the numbness take control.

Knowing I wasn't going to be at work the next few days was about the extent of what I knew. I remember standing in my bedroom staring into my closet trying to figure out what to put in my suitcase. I called Jack and when he didn't answer, I texted him telling him I needed to talk to him now. I called friends to tell them the news. I reached out to an old friend- a police officer in DE hoping he could provide answers. I was standing in my room with an empty suitcase in a complete fog. What else do I do? This was my brother. Not a grandparent or an old friend of the family, not someone who was critically or terminally ill. This was my healthy, sarcastic, young older brother. I google searched for an accident. No names associated with the press release but I knew. A 2 car crash that left 6 people dead- 4 of them children. I thought of my mom. I thought about the fact that I wasn't there. I remember her yelling at me to drive carefully. I didn't want to wait. I wanted to go right then, but Ronnie convinced me not to. The phone calls poured in. Aunt Debbie telling me to stay put she was coming. Jack calling to update me on where he was with getting to NC. My father calling to check on me and letting me know his plans. I don't remember who else. Ronnie poked her head in every few minutes. Me calling my dad (Craig) back to let him know what my plans were. Life spinning ridiculously out of control. The room spinning and I can still see the white haze in the room- either created because all the crying clogged up my contacts, or the numbness of the moment made my mind go blank and see nothing. I thought about my mom and how different her life had now become. The pain I heard in her voice that day still chokes me up. What did she do to deserve this?