I am wearing two long sleeved shirts right now. I don't remember the last time that happened. I also can't remember the last time that I thought about my life and was happy with what was going on. Improvements can be made, but I am making them and that is making me happier. It's not because it's a new year- it's because I have made a conscious decision to open my heart back uP.

I feel good right now. Two sessions with a counselor and I feel as though the greatest strides have been made- it's like the first week or two of a diet when you lose the most weight by doing something drastic. And then through the rest of the "diet" (or what should be a lifestyle change) you work on little things to help you maintain the change and improve on what you've already accomplished. I have had opportunities to curse myself into a frenzy or get so mad I start throwing things, but I have refrained. I have indulged in detached observation and I have enjoyed every second of it.

I have learned that:
1. It's okay to throw your hand in the air and ask for a timeout when things start to get heavy.
2. It's okay to walk out of the room and take a few minutes to regain your thoughts.
3. It's okay to come back to a conversation much later, ask for a few minutes of their time, and calmly explain your frustrations, fears, anxieties, or stresses. I learned that this not only builds communication lines, but prevents your head from exploding.
4. I learned that by saying things like "I feel like" or "my opinion is" is often more accepted than "you always/never" or "you make me".

I started seeing a counselor because my anger, mixed with sadness and grief, was a dangerous combination for my personal and work life. My anger has closed my heart and mind to what anyone has had to say outside of my beliefs, my feelings, and my thoughts. My sadness has fueled that anger and taken me to a place of not trusting, not caring, not listening, and not loving. It's only because I am starting to breathe again that I can see what the past 13 months have done to me.

What I do know about myself is that I will relapse. I will get angry and I will vent those emotions negatively, but I am praying that by the grace of God, I am able to reign in the negative feelings more quickly and learn to extiguish them with understanding, patience, and love. And eventually, I am hoping that where those feelings of anger will bubble, they will not surface.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

and because I am just awesome.